It is amazing that two people actually get together at all. There are so many variables that go into forming connections with people that I sometimes wonder if it is worth it at all. Why do we put ourselves through torture? Help me understand … are relationships supposed to be difficult? Or, is everything supposed to magically fall into place? I suppose I have always believed in the latter, but I am starting to rethink my original theory. Am I now being more realistic or more naïve? You tell me … I am far from an expert on this particular topic. I need to make 5,000 more mistakes before I qualify for that.

Challenge #1 … figuring out what you want

We are all guilty of carving out our perfect match before we actually meet him. We want this person to share our values, ethics, religious beliefs, political views, musical tastes, interests, hobbies and goals. Essentially, we want our spiritual doppelganger.

Why are we looking for our clone? We need to abandon the romantic ideals that are clouding our warped heads. This is the biggest mistake we all tend to make and it keeps us from staying in good, healthy relationships. Who cares where he works and how much money he makes? Who cares if she watches reality TV and you prefer documentaries? We need to look at what is important vs. what really does not matter.

Once we are able to understand that a clone of ourselves is not what we really want, we have conquered a very big step in the dating world. And, this is a lot easier said than done. Money, career and interests are only small pieces to a much bigger puzzle. We should really examine whether we want to spend our lives doing everything with one person or if we want to have varied interests that allow us to have our own time with our own friends. I think this is necessary to keep the relationship healthy. Life would be rather boring if you were forced to spend it day in and day out with someone just like ourselves.

Challenge #2 … rushing to the finish line

Sometimes challenge #2 occurs before #1 and this can be tricky. For the sake of this entry, I will just assume that we all move to #2 after figuring out what we really want.

The biggest problem that we face in new relationships is that we try to get ahead of ourselves. We want to leap to that happy place in the future where we live happily ever after. We blindly rush ahead forgetting to look both ways before crossing the street, and we end up in unfamiliar territory. Who is this person? Where did he come from? Rushing can halt the “getting to know you” process.

Now, we are forced to look at a stranger and try to decipher whether this is even a person that we want to get to know. Placing someone on a pedestal is a recipe for destruction. If the pedestal is the highest we can ever place our lovers, the only place to go is down. And, sadly, after rushing into a relationship, it is much easier to fall than if you take your time putting another person on that pedestal to begin with.

But, I must ask … what is the proper timing? When it is not considered rushing?

Challenge #3 … conflict arises

Now we have picked a potential mate, and we are not rushing to that happy place. What now? When a new relationship becomes stagnant, conflict can occur out of nowhere. We may not even fully understand the what, when, or how of the disagreement. In fact, sometimes it is like the argument is having us instead of us having it. How much conflict is considered normal and healthy? When is it time to quit trying? What even constitutes a healthy relationship?

Challenge #4 … staying put

So, we decided to stick out the initial conflicts and stay with our new partner only now she is not so new anymore. What now? How do you keep the relationship healthy and secure? How do you keep it from going stale? What is the next step?

In conclusion …

This just happened to be on my mind, and sometimes I feel the need to purge. I would love to answer all of these questions and more, but I don’t have the answers. I am far from an expert on any topic related to affairs of the heart. Please feel free to chime in with your thoughts.