I must apologize for the tone and mood that will follow in this particular blog entry. I usually am not as open about what is happening in my life. You usually only get an illusion to the truth. You never get it bluntly stated, but I think it is time that I start being honest with myself … and everyone else for that matter.
I recently broke up with someone. Yes, the blood is on my hands again. I tend to be the one who flees first. It is not because I am the one who wants out of the relationship first. I usually start to run when I develop any sort of real feelings for another person. The feelings scare me … especially if I start to misinterpret the intentions of the other person. In this particular case, I recognized what I had done immediately afterwards and tried to correct the mistake. He wouldn’t have it. He refused to listen to what I had to say.
Once the flames die down and all you are left with is smoke …
In the aftermath of any failed relationship, it is important that you deal with the fresh wounds so that they can heal over properly. There is no need to completely dissect everything that was said or done, because that will not get you anywhere. It will only keep you drowning in self pity. Instead, you must use this time to reflect on what you learned about yourself and human interaction, among other important lessons that will help you throughout life.
Lessons learned …
My most recent encounter was probably one of my shortest by far, but I think I learned the most from it. For so long, I refused to feel … to be vulnerable … to open my heart completely. I feared that the second I did, someone would rip it from my chest. I was so wrong to refuse emotion …
Even though I was hurt and felt great sadness when this person walked out of my life forever, I finally can say that I have raw emotion again … tenderness … the ability to love to my fullest ability. To have felt such sorrow, lets me know that I felt true deep, unfiltered love for another human being. This is a great accomplishment for me. Even of the people I fell in love with in the past, I still held back some of who I was in order to protect my heart. For once, I didn’t hold anything back. I went blindfolded off of the side of the cliff, and it is magnificent the journey the soul takes …
Why did I run?
Even though I blame fear as the culprit, I think it goes deeper than that. I am not foolish with my heart. I do not let just anyone have it and eat up my being. I give it to those who want it, and who will guard it like their own.
I am very good at reading people and spend many hours analyzing and overanalyzing them. Even when they think I am not watching or listening, I am absorbing everything. Even when I fail to react and pretend I do not hear and see what is happening before my eyes, it is all being sucked into my being and calculated.
This dear boy … adorable in every way … could have been the love of my life if the timing had been right, but he is not ready to move on from his past. He is stuck in the scorn, anger and hatred of failed relationships from his past. In every step he takes, he is reliving some sort of demon from a bitter place he once lived. He sees her face in every sentence he states. He sees her etched in his mind … taunting him … haunting him. She is with him everyday in his thoughts.
In his anger for her, he looked for things wrong with me. He could not accept little pieces of who I was … the imperfections that make me human. If he were perfect, perhaps I would not have complained, but I was not trying to change him. I accepted who he was and the imperfections that made him … him.
I do believe him when he says he is not in love with this person and that instead he despises her. I believe every last bit of it, but the pain he felt has not disappeared. He is holding onto a grudge. He is letting his anger follow him and prevent him from feeling true, unleashed happiness with another person.
So, here is yet another lesson this has taught me …
You never want to forget a person. You never want to let them die in your mind. However, you need to offer forgiveness to people when you can. You need to let go of pain … release it from your life. If you hold onto it, you cannot fully open yourself to other people. You only provide for them an empty shell of emotion, because when hatred is wrapped around another human … the ability to love also evaporates from existence.
It is so important to give forgiveness whether a person deserves it or not. You need to let things go.
This taught me that I will no longer hold my cards too tightly. I will accept apologies. I will forgive. I will give love freely. I will be me … whether I am accepted for that or not. I will simply be.
Thank you for that lesson. For that, I will always have the deepest affection for you.
The moral of the story …
I see great hope for my next relationship. Now I know how to love … it is all downhill from here. Someone is about to be smacked with the deepest, most unconditional, beautiful love that this gal has to offer.