Comfortably numb

For more than 5 years, I honestly did not feel much emotion beyond annoyance and occasional anger. Happiness became a foreign concept.

Why? 

I am very skilled at the art of emotional blocking. It became a talent I utilized readily when a close friend of mine died, but I drew upon it even more when my heart was broken for the first time. Yes, I was a very late bloomer. Most people have their hearts crushed in their teens, but I remember mine very clearly getting stomped at the ripe old age of 27. It hardened me. I was fearful of ever showing any vulnerability after that. Of course, I have several other flaws in my past that really sealed the deal, but these are the factors I choose to mention publicly.

Pills …

Shrink after shrink tried to load me down with pills to open me up to people. And, just when I think I can, I shut myself off completely. There is something wrong with me. I want to be able to feel more than shame, mortification and disappointment in myself. I want to love who I am. I want to accept myself, and I want to be able to open myself to another person. I want, want, want, but I think I am okay with returning to numbness as long as this disappointment in myself will wash itself away …

Let this old maid live out the rest of her life in peace. Let me become comfortably numb again. PLEASE …

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One Response to Comfortably numb

  1. Wow! I am so much more willing to reveal close, personal details under the influence of beer. I wonder how long this post will remain … Maybe for a while. No one reads my blog anyway!

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